Ask Bill Walton!

Q: Bill,

Are you aware of the Kobe Alert 2003? If so, what does it take for the alert to raise to yellow and then to red? Does that mean Kobe is just having wet dreams even during naps? Did the alert jump quickly when he made that appearance at the Nickolodeon Teen Choice Awards? There were fresh rapees at that thing according to his standards and I was actually in some shock that his forcefulness was allowed at such a gathering. How would you defend yourself if Kobe came to you demanding sexual gratification in the form of fellatio or anallingus?

Concerned Parent To Be

A: Concerned Parent,

First of all, all my best wishes go out to the Bryant family and that tremendous purple ring that saved Kobe from the perils of not getting any coitus. Secondly, I am very aware of Kobe Alert 2003 and I think all the neighborhood watches across the globe should be putting in overtime. This man is a godzilla of sorts who cannot quench his thirst for white women and the only way to stop it is to take Shaq away from him. Also, who's to say he hasn't already demanded sexual gratification from me? How do you think I got this gig?


Q: Mr. Walton,

Have you ever thought of doing a music CD? I think you would be one of the top rappers if you put your mind to it. I think you would be up there with Nas, 2 Pac, Rakim, and other legends. Who would you have on your CD and who would you beef with in the music industry?

Mr. Sniffles

A: Mr. Sniffles,

I think The Macho Man has me covered. I'll stick with being a jealous parent.


Q: Dear Bill,

I met this girl and I think I like her. I want to tell her but I can't get my words and thoughts together. Is it wrong if I ask her out on a date? My big cousin said not to "love them hoes" and that if she isn't talking about "helping me learn something by giving me knowledge" (whatever that means) that I should not be concerned with her. Is there someway where I can "get this knowledge" on the first time that we are together?

No Street Credability

A: Mr. Credability,

Why are you interested in girls? Basketball is the only thing you need to succeed in life. Go pick up a ball and shoot around. You don't need a job, friends, parents, or even women. All you need out of life is Mr. Spalding and a pair of Chuck Taylor's. If this "knowledge" you are talking about is sex, just ask Coach Wooden. He taught me everything, and I do mean everything. Kobe was quite pleased.


Q: What up Fun Boy,
First off, had to give you props for being man enough to nut up and wear the absolute tightest and shortest shorts in television broadcast history when you were on NBA Dazzling Dunks and Basketball Bloopers with the old coach of the Jazz a few years ago,,,,good stuff. On a scale of one to ten with one being any normal heterosexual person and ten being a raging Richard Simmons on the new season of Oz, where do these pictures fall?

I'm not gay,,,are you?

A: Dear Flaming Homosexual Beast Boy,

We all know about Tim Duncan and David Robinson. "The daisies are out of bounds." "No, Tim, the tulips are." This is very homosexual behavior but you have to understand that these men go to war with each other night in and night out so it's very acceptable to be homosexual.

As for my photo, what's gay about that?


Q: Bill,

Man what does it take to get some of these sad bastards from the league? I mean come on.. Milt fucking Palacio!!!! What in the name of John Bagley is going on? Also, what do you think are the odds that Tom Chambers can beat you in a game of one on one? Damn.... he was able to jump from the 3 point line and dunk on the video game "Lakers vs. Celtics" on Sega Genesis you know. That has to be a tough matchup for you somewhat. Also, if you could sleep with any lady and have oodles of sexual misconduct who would it be?


Mr. Sniffles

A: Mr. Sniffles,

John Bagley was a tremendous basketball player and it was a privilege to have watched him play this modern artform known as basketball. As for Tom Chambers, there is no way that guy could take me. I beat the great Kevin McHale one-on-one as noted in my TV show where I make fun of the fat jew and stick him with restaurant bills. If I could sleep with any lady it would have to be the mother from Family Matters. She was a strong woman and could always make me laugh. And that Urkel kid, he was a comedy genius.


Thank you for the letters. If you'll excuse me, I have to go massage Rick Fox's feet now. Feel free to e-mail me and I will include them in my next column