Ask Bill Walton!

Q: What it do, Bill!!!

I have a question. Who is the most terrible player in NBA history? I mean, there have been a lot of sorry sacks of shit out there throughout the years. You have John Bagley, Jack Haley, Jon Koncak, Dave Corzine, Jim McIlvane... I mean, shit!! It's a gang of bastards who should've gotten their asses kicked just by giving us that kind of effort night in and night out. What made you want to excel on the court and in life? Plus, do you think Tim Hardaway should get another broadcasting job just to bring unintentional comedy to the viewers at home or is that considered being wrong simply laughing at his immense lack of understanding for the English language and grammar?

Best from the Midwest

A: Best,

There are no horrible players in the NBA. All of these fine young men have tested the rigors of life and have overcome them and excelled in both the game of life and the game of basketball. I have the utmost respect for each and every one of these fine young men. There is a sniper in the corner of the room and he is instructed to shoot if I bash any NBA players. I'm not kidding, please send help. So to answer your question Best, I cannot say, honestly, that there are any bad players.

Who is Tim Hardaway?


Q: Preach Bill!!!!!

How come you never made an attempt to sleep with many women as Wilt Chamberlain? I mean you played the best ball in your life in Portland while winning a championship there, you're 7 feet tall, you had red hair, you smoked weed... fuck! You should've been tearing walls down by the masses damnit!! Fuck is wrong with you... were you just pussy whooped by Luke's mom or was it because you are white and have a lil' cock? Oh, and is Vin Baker gay? I think he and Kendall Gill swap man foam in a sissified game of homosexual shaving. They both played for Seattle and are just as depressing.


The Great One

A: Dear Great One,

Vin Baker is a fine young man, one who I admire and cherish as both a person and a human being!

As for my love life, I am still a virgin and I have a very special relationship with Coach Wooden. Take that any way you want.


Q: Bill muthafuckin Walton...

Who would you consider the following to be with players in the league right now:

The Next Black Danny Ferry
The Next Derrick Coleman
Most overrated player ever
The Next Jon Koncak


The Womanizer

A: The Womanizer,

The Next Black Danny Ferry = Antoine Walker

The Next Derrick Coleman = Darius Miles

Most overrated player ever = Currently I would say Allen Iverson is very overrated but Dr. J was the most overrated player ever

The Next Jon Koncak = Chris Kaman and his large mother


Q: Bill,

Is Terry Teagle a good fantasy pick? Friends tend to tell me no he isn't but I truly think so because of his jump shot form. Please advise.

Dazed and Confused

A: Dazed,



Hey William,

Are you as happy as I am that Isiah Thomas got fired finally. I agree with Emilio Escobar, the new superstar in late night comedy, that he was the fuckin most awful coach in the league. Well I guess he was second cause George "I can't coach ants at a gatdamn picnic" Karl was the first in two fucked up history making events... first coach to lead a number 1 seed to defeat at the hands of a number 8 seed in the playoffs (Seattle losing to Denver) and the glorious debacle of the U.S.A. team with NBA players losing not only a game, but not qualifying for a medal or shit else.That was actually a brillant piece of fucking up. So I ask you, could you play for these cocksuckers and if they were your coaches instead of the great Jack Ramsay, could you have still the played the best basketball of your life in Portland? Would the fans adopt the team? And what's the latest with JoJo English? Have you seen him lately?


Mr. Flamboyant

A: Mr. Flamboyant,

Isiah is a wonderful human being and a fantastic kisser from what Magic Johnson told me. I don't know who this Emily Escobar character is but I would have to agree that Isiah is just a terrible coach. For being in a conference with no dominating big men and you have TWO and you lose in the first round of the playoffs is just inexcusable.

George Karl has led his team to the NBA Finals and, for this, he deserves credit. George has the tenacity and the stick-to-it-iveness that is needed in today's fast-paced basketball NBA league!

I would love to play for the USA team in the olympics but only if Maurice Lucas, Elgin Baylor, Connie Hawkins, Bill Russell, Pete Maravich, and some other people who were infinitely better than my overrated self were to join the team as well to make me look better. Hopefully I won't be so bitter about my feet injuries and I won't take it out on other players while I sit in the broadcast booth either since I'll actually be playing.


Well, I hear my Grateful Dead album calling me folks! Until next time...