Ask Bill Walton!

Q: What up Bill...

I have a couple of questions to pick your brain about... First off, why in Heaven's name is Wally Sczerbiak so damn gay? I mean he's a damn chump. He never produces in a big game, his defense is bad, his fuckin offense is "hey I'm spotted up in a corner, pass me the ball off of your dribble penetration cause I can't create my own shot", and he got bitched slapped by Garnett in practice. Do you think the newly acquired Latrell Spreewell and his Street Cred will make Wally tough or is Wally just destined to get his ass kicked really tough? Also, did you know that Mark Madsen was signed to the Timberwolves and what does this mean for his career as an aspiring dancer? I think that Charles Linwood Williams a.k.a. Buck Williams would be fond of Gary Trent's skills if he exerted more effort in actual skill. That's just me. Oh and what do you think of the NBA career of Brad Davis?


Livin' Legend


A: Livin',

Mark Madsen is a wonderful player and a tremendous asset to the Minnesota Timberwolves. I remember watching Madsen as a rookie with the Lakers and thinking what a marvelous acquisition this young man was and how he was the final piece to the Lakers' dynasty. It turns out I was right and the rest is history.

Wally Szczerbiak needs to step up his game just as the ancient myans had done against the aztecs in the 800's. Why on earth does he not set foot inside the 3-point line? Is he afraid? Larry Bird was a much better player despite what some others may say and I truly believe that. I played my best basketball for the Portland Trailblazers in my entire life.


Q: Hey Bill,

What was the all time worst movie ever made in your opinion? I have a vote for "Drumline", "The Adventures of Pluto Nash", "Nutty Professor 2", "Babe", and any movie with Jennifer Lopez, Kevin Costner, Ben Affleck, or Lou Diamond Phillips. Also, why does the actor Leon always play one of two things... a basketball player or a singer? Fuck is his problem? If you could do a movie, what would you be?

The Man, The Icon, The Legend


A: The Man,

I have never heard of any of these movies. I do not prefer movies as I love to just sit in a dark room and cry thinking about my failed basketball career while listening to the stylings of the great Miles Davis. Are you aware that I shot like 21-22 in FGs in an NCAA final game? I must divulge to you, the public, that I was on acid and a combination of extra-strength Tylenol and low-quality jelly beans which contained no sugar (because I'm sort of diabetic :-) )

Leon killed Nutso and he cannot be forgiven for that. Thats like killing Len Bias AND Reggie Lewis!

If I were in a movie it would be the type where I am on a complete underdog of a team and we surprise everyone and win a championship. You see, I'm obsessed with telling everyone that my 1977 Portland Trailblazer team, which I played the best basketball for in my entire life) was an underdog when we had several very good players and I just want lots of recognition for simply doing my job. So, in a nutshell, I want to be in a movie where I get lots of unneeded attention but I'm already getting that now. I would also love to meet Tom Cruise.


Q: Bill MF'n Walton,

Please tell me what the fuck is Kenyon Martin's problem. He is crying and bitching about not getting a max contract offer after having a "breakout season" averaging 16.7 points and 8.something rebounds. Shit you did that on fucked up feet right before they burst into flames and the song of injustice played from the loudspeakers at the Rose Garden in Portland. Plus add the fact he's a millionaire with bad acne and a stuttering illness just make him more of a loser in the credibility department. I wouldn't give him shit but a key of Clearasil and a Getting Ready to Read mixtape featuring Mac from Mac and Me singing the alphabet. He's up to getting traded to Portland with the Cookie Monster Mudumbo for Rasheed Wallace and Rubo the Nanny Rapist. What thoughts and advice do you have for those celibant heterosexuals/promiscuous homosexuals Acne Boy and Fractured Voice Box Boy in Portland. Hopefully some of that advice is to stop having sex with men and start having sex with women who fellate on the first date. PREACH!!!!!

I also think Kenyon Martin is the black Austin Croshere in a way....


The Black Sonny Crockett


A: Sonny,

I am all for having sex with women who fellate on the first date. Why would you bother if they didn't? I enjoy slam dunking my semen into a woman's gaping hoop that is her vagina and all but having them wrap their delicious lips around my member is something I enjoy immensely. Sigh, Luke's mother was something...

Kenyon Martin must first believe in himself before he can get this contract. It is something of an unwanted skill in that NBA players must know what they want before they can have it. Unfortunately, Kenyon is not exactly sure what he wants and that is why Austin Croshere will become his best friend and they will end up in a movie with Leon throwing alley-oops to Ray Allen as he's sleeping with 2 porn stars at the same time. Stick to school Kenyon! And remember that rebounding is the key to controlling the boards.


My fantasy picks this week are Ray Allen, Tim Thomas, Richard Hamilton, Jermaine O'Neal, and Maurice Lucas. Remember kids, basketball is a metaphor for life.