What Do I Do Now?
By: Indiana Forward Ron Artest


People are calling me strange. People are calling me insane.

But if you ask me, the only thing that’s really that strange or insane is playing NBA basketball in California.

You see, I have many logical explanations for my actions lately. First of all, who on earth really wants to play for the Kings anymore? Did you see how bad Chris Webber wanted out? Now look at him! And that Peedrag guy still wants out. Oh well, that’s not my problem. I have a career to worry about now.

I have been focusing on yoga a lot in these past few weeks. What I really love about it is the stretching and shit like that. When I have my legs pulled back behind my ears, there really is a sense of satisfaction that comes over me. Sort of like when I found the amulet on top of ol’ Widows Peak that me and Quajulin hiked up and down.

But yoga isn’t the only thing I have started up. Did you know that there are poor people outside? In fact, there’s a ton of them. What I plan on doing is gathering them up and giving them a free rap concert. The venue will be my very own arena, which I hope will begin receiving public funding as soon as this November. I don’t see why this can’t happen.

"Nothing rhymes with Bob Costas. Accosted sort of works but not really."

Some people think that children are just being mischievous and even ‘stupid’ by saying there are monsters under their beds when there really could be monsters under there.

How many of you have been to California? Maybe you aren’t aware of how many asians are over there? Because there’s a lot of them and I don’t know if I am comfortable with that. My wife, Kimsha, isn’t exactly thrilled about being around a bunch of asians. I don’t blame her either. We saw some asians the other day doing something at a bank. They write really weird. You seen that before?

You ever get really bad headaches in the middle of the night? Sometimes I take some pills for it and they’ll go away but sometimes they don’t I went to the doctor for it. I don’t know, though.

I can’t wait to start my teaching job. My only concern is that Circuit City gives me a good reference. I’m pretty sure they will but you never know. The supervisor was kind of a prick. Maybe my friend is the supervisor by now. That would be kind of cool.

"This is me in my older, more naive days; before I learned that I don't need to play basketball in order to earn a basketball paycheck!"

You know what? I don’t even want to talk about basketball anymore. I got this new CD out and…