I Have Such a Personality!
By: Gilbert “Agent Zero” Arenas


Good golly! It seems like every time I turn around, someone is testing my patience! Just the other day I walked into the bathroom and made some pee. While doing so, a man came up behind me and began talking to me. This didn’t infuriate me so much, though. What made me so angry was he ended a sentence with a dangling preposition. I didn’t say a word until I finished urinating, at which point I turned to him, whispered, “HIBACHI!” into his ear and then slipped my blade into his back and through his heart. And then I let the knife dangle from his chest, much like his dangling preposition. I like to think that everyone in heaven uses correct grammar so, in my eyes, I did the world a favor. Hibachi.

Here’s another funny thing that happened to me the other day! I went out to a club with a few friends of mine. While I was ordering a drink from a shirtless white guy behind the bar, he neglected to give me a napkin. With each breath I took as I gazed upon the condensation dripping from the bottom of my glass, I got angrier. The next time he came by, I gave him a napkin. A napkin filled with chloroform. As he slipped into a state of unconsciousness, I whispered it into his ear. “Quality shots.” He looked sort of confused but it doesn’t really matter. I’m Gilbert Arenas and everything I do is funny and meaningful.

But of all of these instances, there is one particular thing that really tickles my twine. That gosh darn McDonalds Monopoly game.

"I'm not a boxer. I just come up with off-the-wall things to say and people mistake that for a personality!"

I don’t know if other people have the same problem but I just can’t seem to win a dang thing with that game. The best I’ve done is a free soft drink… and I don’t even drink soda! I tried to get some soft serve ice cream instead but the greasy gentleman behind the counter said, “No dice, Mister!” Shunned, I was.

But these game pieces are just impossible. I don’t want to sound like a curmudgeon but it’s very rare that I even get close to taking over a neighborhood, or build a monopoly of sorts. However, today seems to be completely different.

I got Park Place.

This is an amazing day for me. I can feel it. All day today I have been walking down the street just whistling to myself with gleeful delight. I could have been mistaken for a small child by a blind man! Yes, today is going to be a great day.


You can share in my utter amazement when I heard on Inside the NBA that I had, indeed, been named a starter at this February’s NBA All-Star Game! I get to play next to Dwyane Wade, which also means I get to pick him up off the ground at least 5 times while pretending not to care that he just committed his sixth turnover. But we don’t mind because he can dunk! But I digress.

I believe today is a special day and, so far, I am right. I am an All-Star Game starter and, more importantly, I have Park Place. I think I’ll celebrate by going to McDonalds again!

As I stroll back down the street, waving at various black people who wonder why I’m whistling so loudly, I come upon my most favorite place in the world: The McDonalds M arch!

Confidently, I quickly walk to the counter and order an Arch Deluxe. The very same teenager who shunned me earlier is still working. He smiles at me, exposing his dirty braces, and informs me that the Arch Deluxe hasn’t existed in 10 years.

"A technical? But I'm just speaking my mind!"


No bother. I have a backup plan. Ol’ Reliable, if you will. The Big Mac. Mmmm.

I order my second choice and make sure to super size my meal. Before taking my food, I carefully inspect my cup and fries to make sure that I had game pieces. You wouldn’t believe how many times they forget to give you the correct cup or fry size. That kind of angers me.

Once more, no bother. I am a gentleman, I have my food and, soon, will also have achieved something in my life. Winning a contest is something I don’t think I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve won basketball contests but that’s just silly stuff. And by golly, I want to win a million bucks!

I peel the first game piece back. Another railroad line. Yuck. I don’t even keep railroads!

I peel back the second piece. Baltic Avenue. Baltic stinkin’ Avenue? Can you believe it? What am I going to do with that?

The third piece awaits me. Marvin Gardens. Wasn’t that a movie? I can’t be bothered with this. Goodness gracious.

My fourth piece stands. My heart skips a beat. Time seems to stand still. Could I actually win a million dollars? It sure would be nice if I had half of my rent covered for this month.

I peel but it gets stuck. Jeepers creepers, this is awfully dramatic.


I’ve lost in the playoffs. I’ve slipped into the second round of the NBA Draft. I’ve even been called a huge baby. But I have finally grown into a man who enjoys playing McDonalds Monopoly. I can take this. Just calm down, superstar.

I cannot calm down. I’m getting angry.

What is this I feel growing? Is that a… why yes, it is!


There is a giant chip and it seems to be growing on my shoulder!

With my transformation complete, I burned down the McDonalds store while all of the customers were still eating. I laughed as I heard the screams of various children, clutching their happy meals like the spoiled kids they are. One woman cried out, “Why is Gilbert Arenas, rising NBA superstar and not-so-silent assassin, burning all of us alive?” It’s pretty simple, you fucking bitch. I have a chip on my shoulder.

Fuck them. I have a chip on my shoulder and that gives me an excuse to act like an ass.


"I'm not an asshole, I just have a personality!"