I Have Such a Personality!
By: Gilbert “Agent Zero” Arenas
Good golly! It seems like every time I turn around,
someone is testing my patience! Just the other day I walked into
the bathroom and made some pee. While doing so, a man came up behind
me and began talking to me. This didn’t infuriate me so much,
though. What made me so angry was he ended a sentence with a dangling
preposition. I didn’t say a word until I finished urinating,
at which point I turned to him, whispered, “HIBACHI!”
into his ear and then slipped my blade into his back and through
his heart. And then I let the knife dangle from his chest, much
like his dangling preposition. I like to think that everyone in
heaven uses correct grammar so, in my eyes, I did the world a favor.
Here’s another funny thing that happened
to me the other day! I went out to a club with a few friends of
mine. While I was ordering a drink from a shirtless white guy behind
the bar, he neglected to give me a napkin. With each breath I took
as I gazed upon the condensation dripping from the bottom of my
glass, I got angrier. The next time he came by, I gave him a napkin.
A napkin filled with chloroform. As he slipped into a state of unconsciousness,
I whispered it into his ear. “Quality shots.” He looked
sort of confused but it doesn’t really matter. I’m Gilbert
Arenas and everything I do is funny and meaningful.
But of all of these instances, there is one particular
thing that really tickles my twine. That gosh darn McDonalds Monopoly
a boxer. I just come up with off-the-wall things to say and people
mistake that for a personality!"
I don’t know if other people have the same problem
but I just can’t seem to win a dang thing with that game. The best
I’ve done is a free soft drink… and I don’t even drink
soda! I tried to get some soft serve ice cream instead but the greasy
gentleman behind the counter said, “No dice, Mister!” Shunned,
But these game pieces are just impossible. I don’t
want to sound like a curmudgeon but it’s very rare that I even get
close to taking over a neighborhood, or build a monopoly of sorts. However,
today seems to be completely different.
I got Park Place.
This is an amazing day for me. I can feel it. All day
today I have been walking down the street just whistling to myself with
gleeful delight. I could have been mistaken for a small child by a blind
man! Yes, today is going to be a great day.
You can share in my utter
amazement when I heard on Inside the NBA that I had, indeed, been
named a starter at this February’s NBA All-Star Game! I get
to play next to Dwyane Wade, which also means I get to pick him
up off the ground at least 5 times while pretending not to care
that he just committed his sixth turnover. But we don’t mind
because he can dunk! But I digress.
I believe today is a special
day and, so far, I am right. I am an All-Star Game starter and,
more importantly, I have Park Place. I think I’ll celebrate
by going to McDonalds again!
As I stroll back down the
street, waving at various black people who wonder why I’m
whistling so loudly, I come upon my most favorite place in the world:
The McDonalds M arch!
Confidently, I quickly walk
to the counter and order an Arch Deluxe. The very same teenager
who shunned me earlier is still working. He smiles at me, exposing
his dirty braces, and informs me that the Arch Deluxe hasn’t
existed in 10 years.
"A technical? But I'm just
speaking my mind!"
No bother. I have a backup plan. Ol’ Reliable,
if you will. The Big Mac. Mmmm.
I order my second choice and make sure to super size
my meal. Before taking my food, I carefully inspect my cup and fries to
make sure that I had game pieces. You wouldn’t believe how many
times they forget to give you the correct cup or fry size. That kind of
Once more, no bother. I am a gentleman, I have my food
and, soon, will also have achieved something in my life. Winning a contest
is something I don’t think I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve
won basketball contests but that’s just silly stuff. And by golly,
I want to win a million bucks!
I peel the first game piece back. Another railroad line.
Yuck. I don’t even keep railroads!
I peel back the second piece. Baltic Avenue. Baltic stinkin’
Avenue? Can you believe it? What am I going to do with that?
The third piece awaits me. Marvin Gardens. Wasn’t
that a movie? I can’t be bothered with this. Goodness gracious.
My fourth piece stands. My heart skips a beat. Time seems
to stand still. Could I actually win a million dollars? It sure would
be nice if I had half of my rent covered for this month.
I peel but it gets stuck. Jeepers creepers, this is awfully
And there I see it. Another Park Place. WHAT IN THE LIVING
FUCK? WHO GETS TWO PARK PLACES IN ONE MOTHERFUCKING DAY?
I’ve lost in the playoffs. I’ve slipped into
the second round of the NBA Draft. I’ve even been called a huge
baby. But I have finally grown into a man who enjoys playing McDonalds
Monopoly. I can take this. Just calm down, superstar.
I cannot calm down. I’m getting angry.
What is this I feel growing? Is that a… why yes,
is a giant chip and it seems to be growing on my shoulder!
With my transformation complete,
I burned down the McDonalds store while all of the customers were
still eating. I laughed as I heard the screams of various children,
clutching their happy meals like the spoiled kids they are. One
woman cried out, “Why is Gilbert Arenas, rising NBA superstar
and not-so-silent assassin, burning all of us alive?” It’s
pretty simple, you fucking bitch. I have a chip on my shoulder.
Fuck them. I have a chip
on my shoulder and that gives me an excuse to act like an ass.
"I'm not an
asshole, I just have a personality!"