State of the NBA: A Thesis
By: New Orleans forward Chris Andersen
Does the NBA need players?
Or do the players need the NBA? It's an age-old question that many
of us have pondered throughout the ages. What if Dinosaurs hadn't
invaded the planet Earth? Then what? Well, my friends, life would
have ceased to exist! What we would have is a constant struggle
for power and, in that, an end to life itself.
Wait, let me start over.
The NBA. An association. A league. A way of life.
But how far can it all go? Is it a way of life? Or did it all start
with the pioneers of this great nation? Why do jewish people constantly
complain about things? I mean, who cares if the newspaper said your
pantyhose was on sale? You're still getting a pretty damn good price
on it if you ask me. I mean, I'm no expert on pantyhose or anything
but $1.99 seems like a steal.
Did I just compare the NBA to pantyhose or something.
Jeez, let me start over again.
What does the NBA need nowadays? Some people say better
fiscal management but I think what it really needs is better coaches.
Coaches are like role models; like lesser parents if you will. Parents
are an integral part of our growing up, wouldn't you agree? I learned
things like this in junior college and I'd have to totally agree. Whenever
I'm in a D-grade tattoo parlor getting yet another horrible tattoo somewhere
along my talentless arm, I think about things like this. I enjoy pondering
things. I don't enjoy pondering my very limited repitoire of offensive
maneuvers or my horrible grades that prevented me from going to a decent
college but I do like to just think. Did you ever wonder what I was thinking
when I made that awful NBDL commercial? Did my dream really come true?
If your dream is to attempt the same dunk 9 times unsuccessfully in front
of millions of people then I guess I accomplished my goal!
That really makes me sound like a fucking jackass. Starting
"Birdman nigga leave the
guns in the bushes!"
Is David Stern out of control? Or
is the entire league out of control? How can we stop the mayhem
that is the unadulterated league of basketball professionals? Should
we get rid of guaranteed contracts? Or should we start telling players
that condoms are not made out of latex but they are, in fact, made
out of pure sin? They would have to use them to actually care about
that! Perhaps if we stop televising the games? No, we can't punish
the fans! So I proposed that maybe David Stern is out of control.
Jews and lawyers go hand in hand but Stern is just simply on a rampage.
Making Boston carry dead Celtics on their salary cap? What an awful
commissioner! Hey David, go back to building pyramids!
Holy shit, I just made an anti-semitic remark towards
the guy who runs my place of employment. That wouldn't work if I
were working at Burger King like I was two years ago! OK, one more
Can the league survive without Michael? Yes, because
it has superstars to replace him; such as Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant and
Tracy McGrady! No, because Michael was the best there ever was and possibly
the best there ever will be. Does anyone have a clear cut answer? Who
knows! Much like when asked about how many attempted dunks I had on Saturday
night, I just have no clue!
Boy, am I glad I didn't screw that up!