State of the NBA: A Thesis
By: New Orleans forward Chris Andersen

 

Does the NBA need players? Or do the players need the NBA? It's an age-old question that many of us have pondered throughout the ages. What if Dinosaurs hadn't invaded the planet Earth? Then what? Well, my friends, life would have ceased to exist! What we would have is a constant struggle for power and, in that, an end to life itself.

Wait, let me start over.

The NBA. An association. A league. A way of life. But how far can it all go? Is it a way of life? Or did it all start with the pioneers of this great nation? Why do jewish people constantly complain about things? I mean, who cares if the newspaper said your pantyhose was on sale? You're still getting a pretty damn good price on it if you ask me. I mean, I'm no expert on pantyhose or anything but $1.99 seems like a steal.

Did I just compare the NBA to pantyhose or something. Jeez, let me start over again.
"BRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

What does the NBA need nowadays? Some people say better fiscal management but I think what it really needs is better coaches. Coaches are like role models; like lesser parents if you will. Parents are an integral part of our growing up, wouldn't you agree? I learned things like this in junior college and I'd have to totally agree. Whenever I'm in a D-grade tattoo parlor getting yet another horrible tattoo somewhere along my talentless arm, I think about things like this. I enjoy pondering things. I don't enjoy pondering my very limited repitoire of offensive maneuvers or my horrible grades that prevented me from going to a decent college but I do like to just think. Did you ever wonder what I was thinking when I made that awful NBDL commercial? Did my dream really come true? If your dream is to attempt the same dunk 9 times unsuccessfully in front of millions of people then I guess I accomplished my goal!

That really makes me sound like a fucking jackass. Starting over again.

"Birdman nigga leave the guns in the bushes!"

Is David Stern out of control? Or is the entire league out of control? How can we stop the mayhem that is the unadulterated league of basketball professionals? Should we get rid of guaranteed contracts? Or should we start telling players that condoms are not made out of latex but they are, in fact, made out of pure sin? They would have to use them to actually care about that! Perhaps if we stop televising the games? No, we can't punish the fans! So I proposed that maybe David Stern is out of control. Jews and lawyers go hand in hand but Stern is just simply on a rampage. Making Boston carry dead Celtics on their salary cap? What an awful commissioner! Hey David, go back to building pyramids!

Holy shit, I just made an anti-semitic remark towards the guy who runs my place of employment. That wouldn't work if I were working at Burger King like I was two years ago! OK, one more time. Honestly!

Can the league survive without Michael? Yes, because it has superstars to replace him; such as Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant and Tracy McGrady! No, because Michael was the best there ever was and possibly the best there ever will be. Does anyone have a clear cut answer? Who knows! Much like when asked about how many attempted dunks I had on Saturday night, I just have no clue!

The end.

Boy, am I glad I didn't screw that up!