Your Guide to Love!
By: AC Green

"Well what do ya know? It's a lady!"

All my life I had been a pure human being. I had not had sexual intercourse with a woman in my almost-40 years on this planet. I can safely say that it was well worth it. In fact, the monumental copulations I've experienced with my wife have just astounded me! My penis has been purple for a week now and all I can think about is that sweet nectar that is coitus! So while my penis heals, the doctor has informed me that I should do something constructive so I decided to write this article. It is my guide to love making for those of you that have not been fortunate enough to rock the casbah!

First, I can't stress enough how important it is to compliment your woman. Usually after complimenting your woman, she will lean over to give you a kiss. Resist this temptation, as it is the devil's bidding that you kiss this hell's spawn. She may even reach around to her back where there is some sort of clasp that unleashes the fury of some sort of mammary(s?). What I have found is best to do is inch away or make a comment about how momma won't like this at all. Once you leave her, get some ice because you will have, as the kids call it, "blue balls". Lots and lots of ice might make this less painful, but your best bet is to read a passage from the good book! For women, the same rules apply except that you probably do not have testicles. If you start to fall under the power of your horny man, simply suggest to him that you try it in God's Orifice (aka, the butt). It is a proven fact that you are still a virgin as long as the hymen is not broken. There is no hymen in your rectum, so have at it. If it hurts, use more icy hot to lubricate the area.
Here is me when I played for the Heat! Because I like it hot and steamy when I conduct bible studies! Ooooh yeah!


Of course, this is only if you are not married. If you are married, then all bets are off! You can take off your shirt, take your socks off, take the pick out of your afro, loosen your belt, and cuddle next to your female. You should whisper sweet nothings in her ear, such as "I appreciate how you treat me when we are making love!" This will get her juices flowing, and you will be swimming in intercourse in no time! Always respect your woman, and never use any form of birth control as you are altering God's plan of ruining your life.


Furthermore, once you are actually ready to get "down and dirty" you are to have the man insert his penis into the woman's hole thingy. Once this is done successfully, just sit tight and wait a few seconds. When you feel as though goblins are running up the inside of your penis frantically trying to get out and have knocked down some sort of wooden door containing the Keebler Elf's secrets, you have finished the dirty act of love. Simply comment on how you cannot believe you waited so long and have wasted half your life not knowing what this act felt like and do a line of cocaine to make you forget your emotional pain. If one line does not cut it (pardon the pun!), you may have a problem and you should see a counselor.
John Amaechi might have stolen the ball, but he went 0 for 1 in stolen virginity attempts from the field!


Repeat as necessary.
When you attempt to sit on a bush, you're not going to have a good time. In fact, you're probably going to have a bad time. Stay in school!