Your Guide to Love!
By: AC Green
"Well what do ya know? It's a lady!"
All my life I had been a pure human being. I had not had sexual intercourse
with a woman in my almost-40 years on this planet. I can safely say that
it was well worth it. In fact, the monumental copulations I've experienced
with my wife have just astounded me! My penis has been purple for a week
now and all I can think about is that sweet nectar that is coitus! So
while my penis heals, the doctor has informed me that I should do something
constructive so I decided to write this article. It is my guide to love
making for those of you that have not been fortunate enough to rock the
First, I can't stress enough how
important it is to compliment your woman. Usually after complimenting
your woman, she will lean over to give you a kiss. Resist this temptation,
as it is the devil's bidding that you kiss this hell's spawn. She
may even reach around to her back where there is some sort of clasp
that unleashes the fury of some sort of mammary(s?). What I have
found is best to do is inch away or make a comment about how momma
won't like this at all. Once you leave her, get some ice because
you will have, as the kids call it, "blue balls". Lots
and lots of ice might make this less painful, but your best bet
is to read a passage from the good book! For women, the same rules
apply except that you probably do not have testicles. If you start
to fall under the power of your horny man, simply suggest to him
that you try it in God's Orifice (aka, the butt). It is a proven
fact that you are still a virgin as long as the hymen is not broken.
There is no hymen in your rectum, so have at it. If it hurts, use
more icy hot to lubricate the area.
|Here is me when I played
for the Heat! Because I like it hot and steamy when I conduct bible
studies! Ooooh yeah!
Of course, this is only if you are not married. If you are married, then
all bets are off! You can take off your shirt, take your socks off, take
the pick out of your afro, loosen your belt, and cuddle next to your female.
You should whisper sweet nothings in her ear, such as "I appreciate
how you treat me when we are making love!" This will get her juices
flowing, and you will be swimming in intercourse in no time! Always respect
your woman, and never use any form of birth control as you are altering
God's plan of ruining your life.
Furthermore, once you
are actually ready to get "down and dirty" you are to
have the man insert his penis into the woman's hole thingy. Once
this is done successfully, just sit tight and wait a few seconds.
When you feel as though goblins are running up the inside of your
penis frantically trying to get out and have knocked down some sort
of wooden door containing the Keebler Elf's secrets, you have finished
the dirty act of love. Simply comment on how you cannot believe
you waited so long and have wasted half your life not knowing what
this act felt like and do a line of cocaine to make you forget your
emotional pain. If one line does not cut it (pardon the pun!), you
may have a problem and you should see a counselor.
|John Amaechi might have stolen the ball,
but he went 0 for 1 in stolen virginity attempts from the field!
||Repeat as necessary.
|When you attempt to sit on a bush, you're
not going to have a good time. In fact, you're probably going to have
a bad time. Stay in school!