Post-Trade Extravaganza!
By: Emilio Escobar

There is a halfway point in every NBA season, and we are at it here in the year 2003! I have put together another informative article displaying my opinions after I have consulted some friends of mine who are "in the know" in the real NBA world. Without further ado….

Eastern Conference

Atlantic Division

New Jersey (37-20): I have talked to a few NBA GM's and they have told me that they think the Nets are better without Dick Mutumbo, but there are a few who say that they miss his scoring in the paint. "What the Nets are going to realize is that you can't win in the eastern conference without a legitimate low-post presence," said one western conference GM who wished to remain nameless. "The Nets will be in for a real surprise come playoff time." I agree wholeheartedly!

Philadelphia (31-24): Derek Coleman has been on a tear ever since the all-star break and is going to be a free agent in the summer (what a coincidence). When I asked about the 76ers, most of the GM's just brushed them off as a not being a threat. "They have a white center, forget it" said a west GM.

Boston (31-25): The Celtics are only a game behind the 76ers but Boston made a big splash in trading for Vin Baker at the trading deadline and he will provide the low-post presence that is needed in the east. "There is no doubt in my mind that Boston will make up that one game deficit to Philadelphia" said one east GM.

Orlando (28-29): Tracey MacGrady has said that he is pissed that the Magic traded his best friend on the team Horace Grant. "I'm going to be hard on the new guys," Tracey said, and he has responded by scoring back-to-back 50 point games since the all-star break. "Orlando looks as though they are poised to make a run," said an east GM. Grant Hill will, reportedly, become a professional wrestler at the end of the season.

Washington (26-29): Since Michael Jordan is out for the season, there is little hope for the Wizards. One west GM has suggested that they pull off a trade and this will probably happen in the next week or two.

New York (23-32): The Knicks suck. They are improving, but that's like saying your retarded son isn't drooling on himself as much as he used to. Sure it's an improvement, but it sure isn't much to brag about.

Miami (19-36): Pat Rily keeps calling the referees names and they are the reason Miami is not winning. It's a shame that this is how the NBA has to keep a good coach down, but it's happening.

Central Division

Detroit (37-19): Richard Hamilton is still leading the league in scoring and will become the leader that this team needs, and many GMs also believe that. "All we need now is a big rebounder," said Pistons coach Rick Carvel. "Once we get that, there's no telling how far we can go as a team."

Indiana (37-19): The Pacers have lots of players who are good but they don't have any shooting guards. "If the Pacers had just traded for someone to play shooting guard, they'd win the east, no doubt in my mind" said a west GM. Reggie Miller was not available for comment; his publicist said he was looking for the amulet.

Charlotte (31-27): Cory Alexander has turned out to be a disappointment but PJ Brown has stepped his game lately and kept the Hornets within games while Jamal Mashburn's back heals. "My back hurts" said Mashburn. "I can't heat up my Mashburner when my back hurts."

Milwaukee (28-28): The Bucks made a trade and got a big-time scorer in Desmond Mason and he should elevate the Bucks a bit in the win column. "Mason will give them a much-needed scorer," said one east GM.

Atlanta (21-35): The Hawks were supposed to make a trade but decided to keep their roster intact. "We believe with a nucleus like Glen Robinson, Tony Koocoach, and Jason Terry, we can and will compete for a playoff spot" said Atlanta GM Jerry Weinstein.

Chicago (20-38): Chicago is in a weird spot because they have lots of young players but they all suck. "We don't know what to do, our players suck" said one Chicago fan. "It's like we got shot in the face by horse cum or something."

Toronto (17-36): Vince Carter was, reportedly, spotted playing basketball again. I have yet to confirm this, but I saw that Reefer guy play and I thought he was pretty good. "He looks pretty good," I said.

Cleveland (10-46): The Cavs suck a lot and their cocaine-addicted coach was fired. "The Cavs are going to try to land a lottery pick this year and develop their young talent" said Seattle GM William Gates. "We plan on swindling them and making a trade to take all of their talent."

Western Conference

Midwest Division

Dallas (44-12): The Mavericks have the best record but nobody thinks they can win the title this year. "The Kings are the best team in the league by far," said one east GM. "I don't think Dallas has a chance in the playoffs."

San Antonio (38-17): Spurs coach Bob Hill said before his team's game "We're hoping David Robinson stays another year because we can't keep relying on Tim Dunkan at the end of games so much." The Dunking Dutchman replied with "I know."

Minnesota (37-21): Kevin Garnnett said that he plans on leaving Minnesota and it's been reported that he may play in San Antonio. "It's a toss-up," said Garnnett, "I don't want to play in the snow here but I don't want to play in San Antonio with that stupid homosexual faggot retard face Tim Dunkan."

Utah (33-23): That russian guy is playing ok and I think John Stockton is still playing. The Male Man Carl Malone said he wants to play in Denver next year but he's afraid of the black people there.

Houston (30-26): Houston's coach Kermit Washington revealed that Yow Ming will sit the rest of the year as this will be Hakeem Olashuwon's last year and Kermit thinks that this is a great way to send him off. "I think this is a great way to send him off" the coach said. When I asked several GMs if they thought Houston would make the playoffs, they asked me what I thought. I told them no, they seemed to agree.

Vancouver (17-38): The Grizzles have gone on record saying that Brian Reeves is taking way too long in his comeback to the NBA. "Brian Reeves is taking way too long in his comeback to the NBA" said one NBA scout. Hubie Brown has described his team's roster to me, but used the word 'upside' approximately 50 times in a 2-minute interval and I'm just too dizzy.

Denver (12-45): The Nuggets suck a lot.

Pacific Division

Sacramento (39-18): Every team in the league thinks the Kings will win and that the Lakers suck. "I really believe that the Lakers are a bunch of stupid assfaces and I hope they don't win because they suck," said self-proclaimed #1 Sacramento fan Ardent Hooly. "They're a bunch of faggots."

Portland (35-20): The Trail Blazers have been kicked out of the league for killing a small child and using his esophagus to smoke pot out of. "I enjoyed it, and the fans can go to hell, bunch of faggots" said Bonzy Wells.

LA Lakers (30-25): The Lakers sucked a lot this year and it has made many people happy. "I was going to commit suicide after my family died in the World Trade Center tragedy, but after the Lakers started playing like a bunch of faggots I decided that life wasn't so bad after all" said one avid Lakers hater Johan Stovack. "Go Kings!" In response to this, Shaq O'Neil responded, "The Kings are a bunch of scared cowards."

Phoenix (30-27): Stephen Marbury has told Anthony Hardaway that he hates being called 'Lil' Penny'. "I just thought it was kinda funny, I called him that once and he laughed. Now I call him that all the time, I guess the novelty wore off." Hardaway has nicknames for everyone on the team, including 'Waste of Money' for Tom Googliotta, 'Overrated Piece of Trash' for Sean Marian, and 'Dickhole' for Jake Sackalidus.

Golden State (27-30): After doing some research, I found out that Golden State is another word for California. Why don't they just say the California Warriors or something? What a stupid team.

Seattle (24-31): Seattle traded their best player and now they don't have a power forward. "We miss Vin Baker and all of the memories he gave us, but we have to move on as a franchise" said Seattle coach Nate McMuffin. All Sonics fans held a single lit candle during Friday's game.

LA Clippers (19-35): The Clippers still suck. "We still suck," said LA Clippers coach Alvin Chipmunk. "I don't know what the problem is."

Emilio Escobar is a contributing editor at

He can be reached at [email protected]